Social Distance and Leaders

A consultant friend of mine wrote the following at his blog.

Leaders have an interesting dilemma when it comes to how close or distant they are socially from those they lead. It is often something that they don't think much about but it has important ramifications for how they relate to others.
There is a difference in the relationship between peers and those one leads. This is obvious when a leader is promoted from within and goes from peer to supervisor. Everyone knows that something has changed and that the relationship is different.

I have observed some who become “bossy” and too distant when entrusted with leadership. I have seen others who imploded their ministry because they failed to distinguish themselves from those they lead.

The link below gives a good reminder to intentionally evaluate your leadership relationships—friend, colleague or leader. To complicate things further, In some peer relationships (e.g. small groups) the proper distance is one of a collegial leader.

Leading From the Sandbox: Social Distance and Leaders

Artificial Transparency

A brother in the Lord whom I have never met recently resigned his pastorate because of a sinful relationship with a co-worker. I don’t know him or his church, but I do know that he is more like us than many of us would like to admit.

The following quote comes from another blogger who does know the pastor involved.

4.  Another interesting part of this story is the documented online history that Gary has online during the past six weeks (during his admitted affair).  According to his tweets, Gary and Revolution Church were seeing some amazing things happen for the Kingdom.  This included a family vacation, a marriage retreat, his assistant watching his kids and then hanging out with his wife, and baptizing a ton of people at the church.  Even during this season of sin, there was an appearance that all was well and God was blessing.

Here are my two thoughts:

1. Results are not always an indication of godly ministry. He appeared to be prioritizing his family and God’s blessing appeared to be upon his ministry. But he knew he was rebelling against God. Evidence of fruitful ministry does not mean it is right.

2. Talking (or writing) openly about personal matters (whether on Facebook, Twitter or in a small group) does not guarantee that you are being transparent with your heart.

When I was younger I worked in the restaurant business. We openly welcomed people into our dining room, yet carefully blocked their view of the kitchen! I believe that a lot of Christians invite people on to the “front porch” or even into the “living room” of their lives, but they never let others see the messy backroom where things really happen. We would literally have hundreds of people dine with us on some evenings but only a dozen employees would be allowed in the kitchen. You may have hundreds of Facebook friends, but how many people know your heart?

MondayMorningInsight.com > A Prayer for Another Fallen Servant…

The Lie of the Pursuit of the Balanced Life

What do you do when several activities all happen at once? Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? My body wants 30 minutes of rest, but my kids are whining that they are hungry (and we’re out of milk so I can’t just tell them to eat cereal). Our family is scheduled for a celebration, buy my boss just “requested” my participation in a meeting. My church is offering an event that would strengthen my faith, but my kids T-ball coach just announced the summer schedule. I just opened my Bible for some personal reading, and my unsaved neighbor is ringing my doorbell.

A common response to each of these struggles is to seek balance. There is not a single evil thing in the previous paragraph. Often when we feel tension between two good options, we seek to find balance in doing both of them. Instead of saying “no” to one, we tell ourselves that we can do it all as long as we don’t emphasize one thing too much.

We sometimes believe that the norm and God’s expectation is a magical balance where everything happens in the right proportion at all times. From my childhood I recall a perfume commercial that communicated wearing a particular scent would allow a woman to be a successful executive, a great homemaker and a romantic wife all at the same time. I don’t know if there is some mysterious woman gene that is activated by that particular perfume, but, speaking from the male experience, I have never been able to find that perfect balance between employee, husband and father.

I was recently challenged by chapter 15 of Larry Osborne’s book A Contrarian’s Guide to Knowing God. He cuts through the myth of the balanced life with these words,

Most of those heroes, if not all, had a single focus and live a life that, if it were being lives out today, would be viewed as wildly out of balance—in many cases weird…. Noah built a nice boat. But he also had some significant family dysfunction, not to mention an issue with alcohol. Moses was at the top of the charts as a leader, but way out of balance when it came to handling his workload. If his father-in-law hadn’t stepped in, he would have worked himself to death. David was clearly in touch with his inner self, but not as in touch with his sons—or wives. He was awfully good at carving our time for God every morning, but not so good at carving out time for them. As for balancing work and play, if David had been on the battlefield where he belonged, the whole mess with Bathsheba would have never taken place” (Osborn, p.152).

As I see it, the pursuit of the balanced life has at least 2 fatal flaws. The first flaw is that it assumes you can do it all. Man’s earliest problems can be attributed to the lie that I can be more and do more that I was created to do and be. Isaiah 14 describes how Lucifer wasn’t satisfied as an archangel; he wanted more. Genesis 3 describes Eve wasn’t pleased with the role God had given her; she wanted more. Daniel 4 tells us that Nebuchadnezzar was driven to mental illness because he thought he was more than God designed him to be.

God saw Adam as incomplete and in need of partnership to complement his limitations. God specifically instructs the Church in 1 Corinthians 12 that we were designed for cooperation. You were never meant to do it all. That is why we need each other!

One of my frustrations with parenting is convincing my children that there is no shame in asking for help.

The second flaw with the pursuit of the balanced life is that it denies the reality of seasons. Ecclesiastes 3 contains the musings of the wisest man in history (besides Jesus). Solomon concludes that there is a season for every purpose under heaven. Parents observe latency for long periods of time then sudden growth spurts where junior seems to outgrow pants and sneakers each time he wears them. Counselors identify seasons of a marriage from romance to realism to steadfastness to renewal and finally transcendence. Farmers and Gardners know there is a time to plant, a time to wait and a time to harvest.

There have been times in your life when your relationship with God flourished and you matured in huge leaps. There have also been times when you knew God was involved in your life, but things just seemed to be rolling along. There may have also been times where He felt very silent or distant.

I want to liberate you from the pursuit of perfect balance. Here are two questions to ask yourself so that you can experience freedom from balance while remaining in the realm of God’s will. 1) What does God want me to accomplish today? And 2) What areas of my life are so extreme that they threaten my health, performance and relationships?

These questions won’t lead you to a perfect state of Zen, Nirvana or Yin and Yang, but they will allow you to be a functional vessel of honor to be used by God.