Why do I run away from what I want most?

    The following thoughts come from a 1995 book by Thomas Kirkpatrick entitled Small Groups in the Church: A handbook for creating community,

     I hope these thoughts may encourage you to intentionally set aside some time over the summer months for your group members to connect with each other!

In a book called The Different Drum, M. Scott Peck suggests that while we want intimacy, we often run from it. Perplexing, isn't it? We want to be honest and open, but we are not willing to risk being ourselves in a group of sisters and brothers.

If and when we are honest with ourselves, we know we need other people. While the rugged individualism of our time surely runs counter to this reality, there are additional issues that we often overlook. Here are four factors that influence our paradoxical need for, and fear of, community.

The Issue of Confidentiality
Lack of trust—or the issue of confidentiality—is one factor that helps us explain this push/pull paradox. Grapevine communication is so pervasive in many small communities and rural areas that people guard themselves against revealing personal information with virtually anyone. Why should we in the church expect to be any different from the community at large in risking self-disclosure?

Overcoming such a deeply ingrained and often well-founded fear is not an easy accomplishment for planners of community. Assurance of confidentiality is needed before many will even consider joining a small group, and it is a ground rule that groups should adopt and follow right from the start.

The Issue of Truth
A second factor influencing this push/pull dynamic of intimacy is the difficulty we human beings have in facing the truth about ourselves. When we are afraid to face our true selves, and when we deceive others, we tend to flee relationships—with God, with ourselves, and also with others.

The Issue of Size
Numbers do matter. We cannot develop sufficiently close personal relationships in large groups. Relational development literature, in fact, tells us that it is difficult to experience intimacy in our interpersonal relationships in groups of more than six to ten people. Consequently, unless we plan and develop new or additional opportunities for group life, we severely curb both our Christian koinonia and our outreach to others.

The Issue of Time Management
Rearranging time commitments is a challenge that needs to be confronted if community is to become a priority. Again, desiring community is only half the equation—the need or "pull" to intimacy. The "push" away from intimacy can be as simple as an overscheduled calendar.

The Paradox of Community | Building Small Groups